


Into The Light

by minnesotamemelord



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Gun Violence, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Pre-Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., References to Canon, Serious Injuries, also i love this trope to death, early season 18, wow it's almost like i only ever write angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 01:52:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18228314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minnesotamemelord/pseuds/minnesotamemelord
Summary: Police get hurt in the line of duty. It happens. They all know it happens. But it's a whole other thing when it happens to someone you know. And when it's life or death on the line, everything comes out.





	Into The Light

The squad room was way too quiet and way too empty for a Friday night. Rafael looked around. He hardly saw anyone, much less the "elite squad" that he was supposed to meet to go over a case. He took a few hesitant steps into the bullpen, and realized that the door to Olivia's office was shut, and the blinds drawn.

"Liv?" He knocked on the door. No answer. "Liv, are you there?"

"Come in," she responded, sounding strained. The office was dark, and Rafael could hardly see Olivia. In fact, he couldn't see Olivia.

"Liv?" He turned around and spotted her on the sofa, with her head in her hands. "Christ, Olivia, are you okay?" She looked up at him, and he could see her red-rimmed eyes.

"No," she replied, and smiled weakly. He sat down next to her, wringing his hands.

"What happened? Where is everyone?"

"The hospital." Rafael's blood ran cold. Every time the squad went into a dangerous situation, which was way too often for comfort, he worried that he would hear those words. Not that he'd ever tell any of them that.

"What? Who-"

"Carisi." His heart skipped and his hand flew to his mouth.

"Oh my god. Oh my- oh my god. How?"

"Hostage situation. Carisi volunteered to go in and talk the perp down. Twenty minutes later, we heard gunshots and he came flying out the second-story window with three bullet holes in his chest. He's been in surgery for the last two hours. I wanted to stay, but it was going to be even longer, and I-" At that moment, she broke down and began to cry. "After what happened with Dodds, I just couldn't do it again."

"Oh, Liv, I'm sorry." Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around her.

"How could this happen? How could I let this happen?"

"Liv, there's nothing-"

"Don't you dare say there's nothing I could have done. I could have gone in there myself. I could have made him wear Kevlar, I could have-"

"Did you know the perp had a gun?"

"...No."

"Then you couldn't have known, Liv. Listen to me. It is not your fault."

"Two in less than a year."

"What?"

"Two of my detectives have been shot in less than a year. And it's not my fault?"

"No, it isn't. Cops get hurt, Olivia. It happens and we just have to deal with it. I know it's awful. And one day, I hope it won't happen anymore. But it is in no way your fault. Say it."

"It... it wasn't my fault."

"No. It wasn't." Rafael squeezed her shoulders one last time and stood up. "If you need anything, call me. I'm..." And he realized he didn't know what he was doing next. Well, he did, but he wasn't sure about it. And yet, if there were a time to just _do_ something, regardless of his confidence, it was now. "I'm going to go to the hospital. See what's happening." Olivia nodded.

"If you see Rollins or Fin, tell them to get some rest. Just promise me that someone will be there with Carisi when he wakes up."

"I promise."

 

Cold and artificial, the hospital was everything Sonny Carisi was not. It seemed the wrong place for him at a time like this. It was certainly the wrong place for him to die. The last time Rafael had been here was to see his  _abuela_ in her last moments. Something seemed ironic about that, given that the case they had closed earlier that same day was the first one where he really began to understand Carisi. Full circle, he supposed. 

“Hi, I’m here to see Sonny- uh, Dominick Carisi.” Using his given name felt wrong. Rafael hardly ever even called him Sonny, much less Dominick. The nurse at the front desk nodded and scrolled through the computer.

”Room 551, down the hall on the left. Visiting hours are almost over, though. I’d make it quick.” He nodded and started down the hall. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d say if Carisi was awake, or when he woke up. He didn’t even think about what would happen if he didn’t wake up. That wasn’t an option. 

 Through the narrow window of room 551, a flash of blonde hair was immediately visible. Inside, Rollins slept, her head resting on Fin’s shoulder. Fin was awake, staring at the bed. And in the bed was Carisi, lying prone. Asleep, he might have looked peaceful, if not for the bandages that covered most of his chest and the cuts all over his face and neck, presumably from the broken window, and the angry purple bruise that had spread over one shoulder all the way to his collarbone and disappeared over his back. 

As Rafael shut the door, Rollins woke up, shaking off sleep as she stood to greet him.

”Hey,” she greeted him in hushed tones. 

“Hi.” He wasn’t quite sure what to say. “It was bad?” She said nothing, just nodded. “God, I can’t believe it. He always seemed so...”

”Invincible.”

”Yeah.” Silently, they both glanced over their shoulders at the young man whose fate was still up in the air, with luck that could change at the drop of a hat. “Olivia said to tell you both to go home. Get some rest.”

”We can’t just leave him here. His family is on vacation in Asia. They won’t get here until the morning, at the earliest.”

”He won’t be alone. I’ll stay.”

”I can’t ask you to do that, Barba-“

”I want to. Really.” Rollins regarded him suspiciously, but her exhaustion got the best of her. 

“Fine. Call me if something changes.”

”I will. Go home. See Jesse. See Frannie. Get some rest. You too, Fin.” Fin didn’t say anything, but got up and followed Rollins out the door. It was just Rafael now.

He sat down in the chair Rollins had abandoned next to the bed and settled in, his head hitting the wall softly. Should he talk? Should he say something, just in case this was the last chance he’d ever have to say something- no. He couldn’t think like that. Yet, how could he not? Three gunshots and a twenty-foot fall. The odds of coming out of that alive were slim, he knew.

”Hi, Carisi.” That seemed as good a place to start as any. “I know you and I don’t talk a lot outside of work. And I know I’m hard on you. But I just want to say, in case I never get to, I’m proud of you. So, so proud. And if anything I did contributed even a little to the detective you’ve become, that’s all I want. And, uh,” he swallowed hard. “There’s a lot I never told you.” And the dam broke. He couldn’t seem to stop the words that rushed out of him like a river trying to bring its waters back to the place they belong. 

“That first time I walked into the squad room, and I saw you, sitting on that table- why do you always sit on tables? Did you not have chairs growing up?” Chuckling softly, he wiped away the beginnings of tears that were gathering in his eyes. “Anyway, I thought you were just going to be another New York cop with a huge mustache and not an empathetic bone in your body. But I was wrong. I couldn’t have been more wrong. You have made me a better person just by working with you. You’ve taught me that I don’t have to be emotionless to be strong. You’ve taught me that there’s more than two sides to every story. You’ve taught me...” his breath hitched in his throat. Was he really about to say this? Admit it? He had never said it out loud, or even acknowledged it to himself. But, he reminded himself, if there was a time to do it, it was now.

”You’ve taught me that loving someone doesn’t make you weak. Loving _you_ didn’t make me weak. And I never told you, which might be counterintuitive to what I’m trying to say right now, and I wish I had.” He lifted one shaking hand and placed it on top of Sonny’s, which was far colder than normal. “And that’s why you can’t die, because if you die, I’ll never get to tell you, and I’ll never get to see just how much stronger being loved back makes you.” Sonny’s hand twitched in his. Rafael looked up, ignoring the tears pooling in his eyes. Sonny’s eyes fluttered open and shut, then finally back open. He opened his mouth a tiny amount and murmered something untintelligible. “Huh?” Rafael asked, leaning in closer.

”So you-“ Sonny cleared his throat. “-you do have a heart?” He grinned, coughing raspily.

”Oh, you- Jesus Christ.” Sonny chuckled, then winced in pain.

”Ow. Please don’t make me laugh.”

”You did that to yourself. It’s karma.” Rafael smiled, despite himself, and leaned back in his chair. His eyes drifted down to his hand, still resting on top of Sonny’s. He could feel Sonny’s gunmetal blue eyes boring into him. The smile faded off his face. “Did you... did you hear what I was saying?” 

“A little.” Rafael cursed himself silently. “Did you mean it?”

”Did I mean it?” Not the question he had expected to hear. “I said it because I thought you couldn’t hear me. I thought you were dying.”

”That’s not an answer. Yes or no, did you mean it? And before you answer, remember that there’s still a chance I could die.”

”I- yeah. I meant it.”

They were both silent for a moment.

”How come you never said anything?”

”I thought it would mess something up, I guess.” Another long moment of quiet. This one seemed to last for hours. Days, even.

”Kiss me.” The words hardly even registered.

”Sorry, what?”

”Kiss me.”

”Wha- Why?”

”Because if I die and I knew you were in love with me and I never even kissed you, we’re  both going to feel horrible. Although there’s a possibility I’ll just be floating around in an eternal void and I won’t have feelings. But assuming I will, I want to die having kissed someone who loved me. So kiss me.”

”I’m not just going to kiss you because you might be dying and I admitted to... being in love with you.”

”Why not? Seems like a damn good reason to me.”

”Because I don’t want to kiss someone who doesn’t love me back!” A playful grin quirked Sonny’s lips up into a smile.

”Who said I didn’t love you back?”

”I- well- you never said you did.”

”I am now. So kiss me.” And Rafael did. And the moment their lips met he knew. This was what he’d been waiting for. Every hour, every minute of his life has been leading up to this point. At the same time, it felt as natural as breathing. It wasn't a long kiss, and it was over as soon as it began. 

"Well, that was-"

"Perfect." Sonny grinned, his dimples deepening into craters in his cheeks. "It was perfect. If I die now-"

"You're not going to die, you idiot. You can't die now, because I love you, and you love me, and I'm pretty sure I'll never have another kiss as perfect as that one. So come on," Rafael pleaded, squeezing Sonny's hand. "Live. For me."

"Well, when you put it that way, how could I say no?" With a toothy smile that could have blinded the sun itself, Sonny squeezed back. "I'll try my best."

"Thank you." Rafael looked at his watch. "Damn it. Visiting hours are almost over. I've got to go."

"Night." As he moved to leave, Rafael felt a hand weakly grab his wrist. "Wait."

"What?"

"Will you... will you come back tomorrow?" Rafael smiled and leaned over Sonny.

"Of course. I promise." He kissed Sonny one last time, then left.

Outside the hospital, it was a rainy fall evening, and Rafael smiled through the drops that fell around him. He ran a hand over his already wet hair and laughed to himself. In all his wildest dreams, he had never imagined his love confession going quite like that. It was utterly insane, humiliating, and... perfect. Just like that kiss. And Sonny, who was too loud and too emotional and never seemed to grasp the concept of personal space, but who also supported everyone around him wholeheartedly and made life generally more pleasant, loved him back.

If that was the case, what else mattered?


End file.
